Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
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Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Beware…..
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”