My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
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in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
The future is now.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Life with a cat in one tweet
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE