just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
You Might Also Like
Traveler’s camo
I need this for my side hustle.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
bad news gang
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.