the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
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What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
A short story of betrayal:
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.