ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
You Might Also Like
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows