So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
You Might Also Like
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
my name if I was in the mob
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation