Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
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butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!