My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
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Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.