FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
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There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
prepare for carbonated trouble
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
no
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
my proudest tweet
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad