You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
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YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Only short people can save us
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.