Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
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“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Heroic Misunderstanding