Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
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You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Erm I’m gonna say no
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.