*aggressively skips to my Lou*
You Might Also Like
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell