Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
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( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*