I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
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Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?