Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
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I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
asked my bf how work was today
My sex drive has a dui
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on