me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
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There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
The smoothest fall of all time
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.