After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
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The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.