My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
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can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Never be a pizza!
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Monday
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Why font matters.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly