Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
You Might Also Like
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.