My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
You Might Also Like
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Mad Max: Furry Road
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?