My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
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wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I hate everything
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.