Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
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I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
*sewing*
A thread
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.