Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
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[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
True?
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.