my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
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*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
So we got a goldfish…
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions