Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
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My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉