Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
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[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
never compromise your values
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix