Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
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Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it