Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
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I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
shampoo implies shampee
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens