Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
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Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.