How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
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Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.