cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
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Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that