Knock Knock
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Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Pot warmers of the day.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Breaking news:
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.