Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
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Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.