“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
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Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.