Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
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*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
sensitive skin
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence