Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
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“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff