I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
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Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”