The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
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Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Sheep
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
peeping toms
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow