Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
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Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Tier 3 meme
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
dam girl
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.