how it started vs how it ended
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They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
You are not alone 💚
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything