Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
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Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
I don’t make the rules sorry
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”