[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
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Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
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– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.