I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
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I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.