If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
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My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!