[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
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My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.