*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
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Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died