A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
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The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”