“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
You Might Also Like
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I put the p in pants.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
New Tinder profile.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is