Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
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5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
sistine chapel
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
this is funnier than any friends episode
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary